the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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