"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
FUCK WHALES
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