you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
