You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
