I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
