So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
