is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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