I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
