Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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