Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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