I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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