a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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