I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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