do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
