Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
