Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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