Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
