I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
