If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
