I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
