I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
