i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
