she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
