I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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