he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
