Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
