i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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