I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
