I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
