im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
