I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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