Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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