We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
