Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize