shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
