you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
