i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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