Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
