i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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