I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
