Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
