I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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