Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
