Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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