I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
