Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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