guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
