I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
PANTIES FOUND
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
