There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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