How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
