she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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