I seem to have left my pride at pride
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
