just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
