It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
