I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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