How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
