just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize