Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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