Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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